I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
