I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize