If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
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