i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
