You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
