Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
