So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
