I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
