I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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