Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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