I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
So here I am, sexting at work.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
