my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
