I got chris browned last night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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