My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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