Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
