For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
