This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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