new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
