Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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