You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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