were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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