I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
