he wants to bone in the snuggie
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
