I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
