I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
