I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
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