woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
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