Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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