That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
