so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
