In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
