We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
