I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
