Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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