Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
