his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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