Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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