I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
