I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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