I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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