i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
pop tarts are not kleenex
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
