I accidentally had phone sex last night
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
