is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
That accounts for only three of the penises
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
