Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
