There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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