I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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