Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
