She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
