Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
