no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
