this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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