Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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