Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize