I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
