Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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