Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
